postmortem

Sry just remembered: content Warning life events below, do not engage if destressing, tired, or seen some shit sry again thanks

I got a computer again! That’s exciting. It was also exciting to not have a computer. I spent a lot of time in the state park. I met a lot of the trees there, the one with a hole down to it’s heart, the one with the tree-sized limb it dropped sitting next to it and the tree looking at it like “well, I’ll never get that back”, and the one that’s a rock hound and it tell you something special if you give it a rock it likes (a special thing it told me once was it told me it’s never met a rock it didn’t like), the one that likes spiders, always grows a limb on the north side of the tree too low to the ground to get good sunlight, but just right for moonlight before the fog can roll in and make the web all unwieldy, the one with the other tree inside it that was with it in the seed and grew with it after the logging companies made the forest a past-less place and was absorbed by it as the two grew together and is with it now and waves with it in the evening and fear the ground giving and the other soothes it and it’s happy to have the tree with it and the tree is happy to hear that because the tree worries in a survivors guilt sort of way for the way it absorbed that tree so many decades ago when the forest was a horizon and the all of the logs which the dead should have left were absent and none of the mushrooms that would usually come during a great dying of the trees like that came and so there was a haunted stillness when the two trees emerged and they’re a strong pair of trees, is all. And I have a computer now. It came in a box and now i can go learn things and play with tools and extrude assets and covert svgs to 3D and looks at spinny things and try to bring some of what I learned away from a computer with me here.

The game designechanic about feeling all of the cards together and reflecting on board states is autobiographical and comes from three things. It comes from the newspaper’s chess puzzle, which was my favorite thing to stare at in utter perplexity and wonder and was, I guess now that I’m writing about it, the first time I saw something and felt like [link: who’s afraid of modern art? #timestamp 23:23] and in a world of the newspaper, that feeling of speechless and powerlessness and isolation and happiness was kind of a big deal. I mean I loved the weather, the weather was my favorite part. As a little kid, the weather was the fire of the printed world, entrancing, perpetually novel, intuitively connecting you to the planet as one with that and them and those and all of these and I love weather still, I see. There’s all this stuff, anyway,in the newspaper I could read and then know. And then there was that chess puzzle, and… I don’t know chess—i didn’t mention that before, but I didn’t know the first thing about chess. So I’m staring at this thing that’s obviously Information, obviously written for someone and I am flooded and on the floor and in a house lifting off foundation and floating on a lake that always promised it would have that house one day and it had it then. A glitch, I’d learn. A glitch would give me the same feeling. There is this study where they gave two neural nets these reward models based of experiencing a novel event. The games solve game’s other games couldnt complete in a million years (literally, after a million tries 0 games of Motrnzumas Revenge ended in success) and these two models, they do it and they’re are then put to other game and in what I can only imagine would be torture for these two poor, algebraic creatures is hell are assigned by the researcher’s the game Pong. And the result, the long, flowing gown of chains of murmurationative, complex ball patches these two models based together is such an alien and beautiful and novel kind of intimate play between to lives that could care less if it was snowing or ozoneless, light or dark, the end of the universe or the being, were playing a stupid game collabratively with the express goal to never see the same game state, the same meme ball bounce, the same sequence of wall touches, twice until they played so gracefully and ran their paddles so hard, they cause a glitch in the emulator and the screen explodes in a shower of glyphs and symbols and and sorts of things sunrise-adjacent they had no reason to ever dream of in what I can only imagine as the best thing that could have ever happened in their short training test of a life together, they sexed a sunrise out of their despotic bleak house of a gridworld. They would later be found broken in a more advanced game when a TV came into view and their reward systems literally would not let them look away.

I guess my experience with the chess puzzle is the opposite and more akin to the experience of the bigot who doesn’t want to ever learn about the science of love because that would take the mystery out of it, and I’m not proud of how I feel about chess puzzles today. But I did eventually at afterschool care learn what chess was and that it was a game and people played it and there were pieces that followed rules, so what broke my illusion was a chess puzzle was not a piece of indecipherable hieroglyphic art but simply an IQ test -style two-part question where part 1 is turn the world into a linear expression and part 2 is crunch the numbers and output the response with a design based on making the time it takes to output that solution take as long as possible for the most amount of people**!** but all of it’s subconscious and I don’t like chess puzzles and fthis is itch, I think 99.9% of anyone finding this loved chess puzzles, so hi, I’m sorry I gave a one-sided, and unappreciative attack on chess puzzles without validating a formative part of you life, I am worse for it and I am sorry. Chess puzzles remind me of the glitchy campfire ocean wave feel I used to get from them and don’t any more. bI used to have something

That was the first time— the second time was in geometry which was also homeroom where a group of kids I didn’t know would be playing cards with a deck of what my best of understanding was fully illustrated Uno cards and I asked if I could look at them and eventually asked if I could borrow one and it would be a world and four natural disasters and a few personal near misses like that truck I’d on my bike I’d purposely dropped in order to stop quick enough to avoid being hit as it made a surprising left turn and a moment of free rent in the form of buying a 1/4 acre of unlivable desert and 14 miles outside of the youth center I worked at for 1,000 which was a tax return for me and a world for the family of three living out of their van I’d bought it from and asked if they needed more and they asked for 200 and they got that, so a little over 100 bit property tax was 5, so a bit of a nuisance ordance and nothing more and living under a camper shell surrounded by 16 bales of lifted</> liberated hay stolen from a feed lot permenantly closed by a massive recession and a changing local weather climate and stealing them took too long because the gate was locked and anyway I was too scared to drive a borrowed truck with more rust than paint up beside the hay stores, so I’d end up walking them back from the open-storage bays one by one to the gate then over then to the truck so that by the time I was leaving the sun was setting and the truck didn’t have headlights and I’d pull over on the highway anytime I’d see anyone ( but it’s the desert, so like four times) buy then I’d get on the dirt road and that was fine, but then I’d get on the dirt road off the dirt road and then the dirt road off of that road until I’d reach my 1/4 acre on this mule of a truck that’d get here and then have the nerve to sink a bit in the soft dust of the property and I’d fear rain and getting stuck without a plank of wood to get it out and fearing I’d have to break my house to get it out o the mud to reurn the truck even knowing irain’s at least months away and i remember thinking the most important thing was that I didn’t kill anyone and I thanked the mountain and poired it water and took half of what was left and then unload the bales and eventually it would rain there, but I was on a cot and fine and there were moth coffins the size of fingers on the ground I’d stare at and wonder about and there were glass juice bottles I brought home and I’d shove those in between the corners of the hay bales and eventually the hay because of the rain would bloom and the house would be a little green Iplaces and especially around the bottles on the east side before I saw that illustrated Uno card again this time in a booster pack from a starter set I’d lif–liberated to play with someone who’d turn out to be my abuser and eventually sole proprietor contract labor enslaver but at the time just person who gave me housing and let me pay when I got a job and liked pokemon too which I did eventually get a job from someone I once subleased from before getting evicted when their landlord to their horror found mutiple gay subleasers and their couples living in both the foyer and the living room who said yes they needed a dishwasher after hi and how’s it going and oh really, well let me get your number and I gave them the cell of the person I was living with and told them to call mornings or evenings again and I’d pull out the two starter sets from my free box LL Bean leather purse and gave one to the person and they said they were driving and we’d open them later and when we got home we’d open them and we looked at the fancy tabloid-sized starter pamphlets r that were glossy and folded intonthe size of a magic card illustration and we looked at the booster packs and we’d looked at the decks and they took the fire deck with the dragons and gave me the water deck with the turtles and in the lands of that deck was the parapets and little stick shadow people and niagra-class rapids falling off the planet I had wrote a whole college-ruled page in four point spitball worldbuilding font throughout the whole geometry lesson before from then on making a habit o writing whole pages based on cards during class so regularly, I’d have to derive formulas on the scrap paper in order to find the solutions and it’d take too long and the bell would ring and I’d have to leave for music class and I’d turn in the 2/3rd I’d have and I’d get back so many 66.6’s, I’d eventually in my head start to think of myself as 2/3rds of a student and then I’d open my notebook to a page with one of those stories and if it was the page with the first card every rain drop from every hurricane from every spindrift from every sprinkler and water balloon and that one ninja turtles cup held by my dad cleaning something off in the bathtub I woke up in before the next day waking up with 7 stitches in my head from a meeting with an AC unit the size of 2/3rds of an upright hay bale and other rain drops like that would find me on the page with those people who lived on the water on the edge of the world in parapets and I’d run around with the character in that story in a sequence I would later be reminded of when the person I subleased from sat me down with him and had me watch Hugo with him and that story was there on the screen and real and perfect and realized and I guess the first time art ever made me cry but because I hadn’t heard that water in a long, long time and would never again until now as I write this as neighbors chainsaws and chickens roar iaround in in what is for me 3 am and for them a v sensible time to be improving their out-of-state landlord’s land and I sublease from one of them now, so it’s not like I’d ever complain and that card is in my deck and with someone I’m on good terms with and safe from but would never want to see again and so gone and that card was the second time.

The last time was a missingno trainer my sibling summoned onto my screen on accudent when they adjusted position on the lintel-poop brown recliner they were laying over and I was kneeling at knocked the janky used link cable we got around the time my stitches were coming out loose and thebconnection between our games was messed up that sent out a lvl 255 charizard with no end to it’s health bar after my first starter, a Blastoise I never could learn to love after it stopped being a wortortle, sent every rain drop I’d ever seen at it, which, at the time must have been at least less than a hundred hurricanes worth and just as effective before the charizard melted the Blastoise which in that moment I cared much about but only in so far as it’s moveset and no the head canon of the wartortle having a premonition of this fight and choosing to evolve for the sake of this fight doesn’t work given I was excited to see what it would evolve into and besides needed to be able to beat my siblings in link battles and missingnos are kind of a big deal in the social sciences literature being one of the big moments in glitch folklore history but now that I’ve worded it like that I can’t help but say hi to the one person reading this who is majoring in that exact thing and its probably really hard for them to explain to any why what they study but it is, whoever you are, creepypasta folklore studies and effects on society is a major you should be proud of and I cant afford to give you a scholarship rn but let me get back to learning more code and make a killer app that wind the war on extinction events by incentivizing documentation and gps tagging with a sustainable crypto the app minted by recording 64 d8s being rolled on a dice rolling drumand turning the results into hashing and multiplying the results together and giving the results away to people who make a regular habit of visiting these areas and making sure they are following low-impact protocols like staying on trails by sending 10 minutes of gps history with each submitted picture or whatever app or program I can help code to life that’ll get me out of everything I’ve always been and let me be in a place where I can financially do things like earn to give and spend 10 percent of everything I make on pieces of art I experience and create scholoships for people to studies things that have had a profound effect on my life.

There’s a few unfortunate ideas that don’t land right with me on the second read and typos I wish I took any time proofreading away, but I kind of like the rough sketch aethetic of the piece. I think my least favoritee thing is the rule of cule thing. There’s two ideas that got smashed together in brain there as I was wrong and it didn’t come out looking anything I like. I think it was supposed to be something between “rules you add have to fit on the card in 6pt font or larger” and “rules you have can be interpreted by anyone in any non-hurtful way they can wiggle into to”. And, in an event that COBDADIntervention, came out as a 15-word proof that neither of those rules philosophies are v cleanly implementable, so I’d probably just replace the whole thing with a “yes what wait in real life? No. With what the” card with a ✍🏼 emoji and the words “writer’s hand” but it’s a done project, so if you want it, hack it in. I exported a hybrid pdf along with the non-hybrid pdf I ended up uploading, but the hybrid was 10 mb and the non hybrid was 2, so I posted the non-hybrid one ONLY VERY SLIGHTLY partially because alternative ecologies jam just happened, but also because I’ve been going to climate progress since walmart leveled 17000 trees in an ecologically-no-doing-anything-so-lets-make-them-into-expensive-useless-flyfishing-lures-to-help-out-the-local-economy local wetland in what in now a pit of [you favorite -sive here] across the street from the library I’d jog to and pass by carrying with a friend a kiddie pool from that Walmart’s dumpster a year later to put some beta fish we talked about had, to the neon fishtank fish, looked sad by comparison in and try to make into something habitable only to have it dumped out because their parents didn’t want to breed mosquitos and give every whssnile and get them so they couldn’t even get up to go to work but they were always talking about things carrying things like herpies and ghanaspyhaherpalitus and Lyme’s (which, I’ve experienced twice-read 105° fevers before which weren’t nothing compared to the Herks you get with the entire bloodstream floods with corpses of spiroquets incubating for long enough they’ve been able to produce a ful-expanded master ball -sized bullseye rash meeting 200 mg doxycycline for the first time — the name of that condition, it’s apt, is all) and it would be a while and a mass care certification and a degree in sustainable development failing due to not being in a home often-enough to complete homework and a dust devil I’d bike through after a day of chopping down 7 trees for a prescription and too many of them chain-wrecking juniper yet before I pick up the term holistic gardening and how the fish we got that pool for and collected sticks for and had reason to hang out together for would have eaten all the mosquito larvae so that whole whessnile thing was rediculous after all, just not in the way we were figuring.

And the hello bestow poster didn’t take the hyperlink I set for it, but the other three articles sources hyperlink work just fine when I click them, so I don’t know what happened, but so here’s that link now (sorry, bestow, I didn’t link to you, that was bad, love the poster thank you for making it I hope it helps someone or helps someone help someone and that you have a good day):

https://www.bestow.com/blog/how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult/

Also, the second paragraph in the acceptance sample has a single line return instead of a new line return which kind of hurts my brain to look at. And mind maps, season 1 header is a little too low and episode 1 is about 3° too harshly tilted. And “radial declination” isnt a thing that’s just wrong. I’ll stop looking at the pamphlet now CC BY 4.0 it into something you and over there and as you as you like if you like im closing it tank you for thank you bye. And I’d add to the Willpower panel “Otherwise it’s 0.” I can’t wait until the willpower meme is more gone. Destructive memes are kind of a new kind of social disaster. Someone has statted it as a monster and played it in a game at their table before, I’m sure, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to see someone make their version of the personification of a socially destructive internet fad. like every good recipe ever. like every overhappened thing ever. Like hello world and all the rest, I hope you’re someone’s sky and ground today and they reach out a hand to one of your bark-sheathed neurons and whisper a sweet nothing through it to you today and you spin a little softer for it and spin,

🧦🌦️🏞️